Monthly Musings
October 2006
THE CHANGE
Over the last few months my world has been turned upside down as I've made an external move from my "safe" home in California to an unknown life clear across the country in Marietta, Georgia. I've also been making an internal move from "who I have been" to "who I am becoming". Here's a little reading that plays out some of my journey. You might be able to relate.
As I sit around watching the slow pace of my timid and predictable life I ease back in my recliner and become "soft" in the comfort of my stagnation; happy to remain a motionless and protected mass of security where nothing can shake my world or rattle my protective bubble.
Here without movement and with little thought I can control my world; Nothing goes out, nothing gets in and nothing ever changes. I like it that way. Here without expression and with little excitement I have built a solid mass of impenetrable wall that shields me from any reconstruction of my steady and stable life; a fortress that holds my life rigid, uncompromising and secure. I have no need for reorganization, transformation or alteration to my plan. Shift happens….but outside these walls, not within them.
But wait…what’s that on the horizon….is that a change I see…..is this a change I’m feeling? How did it get in here? I’ve worked for years to keep this fragile mass of a life unmovable and guarded from the ebb and flow that other human beings face.
How can this be? There’s no way this change could have gotten in here, for I have kept my eye keen and poised to quash even the hint of a revolution. How did it sneak in here? Man the battle stations! Fire at will!
Oh no, I can’t control it. It’s overwhelming….. Oh boy, this is going to happen whether I like it or not. Ooooh, it feels funny and it scares me down to the marrow of my bones. I don’t like it. Make it go away! The pressure of its tentacles is strangling me; I feel like I’m going to die…... I am dying, alas, at last I am dead.
Wait, I’m still here. I wasn’t vaporized! Wow! I’m going to be okay. Only who I thought I was died, and not who I am! I feel pretty good. Kinda different, like a reconstruction has taken place in my mind and heart. What’s really strange is I feel safe, even though life has changed….like an unseen force held me through it all. It took me a few bumps and bruises to get here but I think that “unseen force” has brought me to a safer place than where I was just a moment ago.
That’s weird. You know, suddenly this recliner is uncomfortable and doesn’t fit my life anymore. I want to wiggle, I want to stretch out, I want to dance and sing!
Okay, change is still a little scary but I really don’t think I need this citadel around my heart anymore. All this time I thought change was this big hairy monster that wanted nothing more than to tear at my insides and feast on my insecurities. In fact I think I may have been missing something by trying to hold it at bay. Instead of fighting it maybe I can just ease into it and allow it to transform me. Wow, where did that thought come from? Hey, the transformation has already started.
You know, I think working with life’s little surprises makes my world a lot better place than when I gather artillery to shoot them down.
Change? I think I can handle it now! Bring it on, bring it on, bring it on!